10.“You’re so fortunate” or “You’re lucky. Be grateful for what you have.”

What is so frustrating about this statement is that it dismisses the person’s feelings. It makes them feel like they should focus only on what they have and therefore shouldn’t be sad because they have “fill in the blank.”

This often makes depression worse because the person starts asking themselves, “Why am I depressed then? If I clearly have everything, what’s wrong with me?”

9.“You’re young. What do you have to be depressed about?”

I heard this one all the time growing up, and it’s one of the reasons I didn’t get proper treatment for so many years.

Everything was either swept under the rug and never talked about, or it was quickly dismissed with comments like this. It felt like if you were young, your problems didn’t count.

Adults would often compare their problems to mine, even though in my case, many of those adults were part of the reason I was struggling in the first place.

8. “Have you tried thinking positive?” “Snap out of it.” “Cheer up!”

Yeah, because just thinking happy thoughts will make everything disappear. If you put a smile on your face, all your problems magically go away.

Sure, that’s realistic.

7.Do you have a religion?” “You should go to church.” “Get religion.”

I have studied and explored several different religions. For me, they did not bring comfort; if anything, they made things worse.

That is not to say I didn’t meet some genuinely kind people along the way. I did.

The problem is that many people making this suggestion are often just trying to offer a quick answer because they don’t know what else to say. They default to what they know.

Sometimes it is not even something that has personally helped them—it is just something they have been taught should help.

A lot of people follow what is familiar because it is what they have always known, but that does not mean it will work for everyone.

6.“What about your family and friends?”

I think people often don’t realize that many people simply do not have a support system.

Some people don’t have close friends. Some don’t have family they can rely on. And sometimes, like in my situation, their family may actually be the source of much of their pain.

A lot of people come from broken households, abuse, or traumatic situations. For some people, saying “go to your family” is not comforting. It can feel like being told to return to the very place that caused the damage.

5.“You don’t seem sad.” Or “It’s all in your head.”

I have heard this from various people, including professionals, and that is incredibly troubling.

Yes, technically depression happens in the brain, but there are many other factors to consider.

Depression may affect you mentally, but it also affects you emotionally and physically. It can be connected to other mental health conditions, such as post-traumatic stress, as well as other life circumstances like poor physical health, financial struggles, and isolation.

Reducing it to “it’s all in your head” ignores the complexity of what someone is experiencing.

4.“I’m here for you.”

People may be confused by this one because you won’t usually find it on lists like this anywhere.

Here is why I have a problem with it, based on my own experience.

People are not always reliable. Friends are not always reliable. People say things every day that they mean in the moment but may not truly follow through on.

The reality is that if someone is in crisis and calls you at 3:00 in the morning, many people will not actually be there. They may not know what to say or not have the emotional ability to handle it, or they may give advice from this list just so they can go back to sleep.

If you tell a depressed person, “I’m here for you,” you need to be certain that you truly mean it.

Because when someone is depressed, they cannot build their entire ability to cope around the idea that another person will always be there.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is not promise someone you will be there, but encourage them to find things they can do for themselves—things that can help them understand their thoughts, process their feelings, and make the difficult moments a little easier.

3.“It could be worse.” Or “Some people have it worse.”

I think almost every person with depression has heard this at some point.

Stop comparing one person’s suffering to someone else’s. Everyone experiences pain, trauma, and hardship differently, and everyone handles those experiences differently.

The worst part about this statement is that people often don’t understand that being depressed does not mean someone is unrealistic or unable to see reality.

Most people with depression are fully aware that others may have it worse. That does not make their own suffering any less real or valid.

2.“It is what it is.” “Well, that’s life.” Or “Have a stiff upper lip.”

If you can believe it, I actually heard this from a professional.

This is one of the most harmful things you can say because it completely dismisses someone’s feelings. It frames their experience as if they are simply weak and need to become stronger or tougher.

It creates the message of, “That’s just how life is, so stop complaining.”

It shuts down the conversation.

In my experience, I completely stopped opening up to this person, and I stopped seeing them.

The tough-love approach does not help someone who is depressed. Depressed people are often already incredibly hard on themselves.

They are already carrying enormous pressure to meet society’s expectations, their family and friends’ expectations, and even the unrealistic expectations they set for themselves.

For a professional—or anyone else—to treat someone this way is unacceptable.

1.“Everything is going to be okay.”

Come on. Even people without depression understand that life does not work that way.

Even when things improve, something else may eventually go wrong, and that is life.

People also rarely talk about the fact that depression can be a lifelong journey involving therapy, medication, different treatments, and even alternative approaches.

And whatever “the other side” of better looks like for someone can be different for everyone else.

It is not always going to be rainbows and unicorns.

Recovery is often about recognizing the small victories and appreciating anything that makes life feel even a little easier.

The belief that one day everything will be absolutely perfect can actually make things harder because people with depression often understand something very clearly:

Life is never completely okay or perfectly balanced.

Now for some things you can actually say or suggest to a depressed person.

First, if you have the time and emotional ability, you can offer to sit with them and talk.

Keep in mind that you are mainly there to listen. Be gentle, understanding, and patient.

Most importantly, do not compare their suffering to your own or to someone else’s. Be careful with this because it can accidentally come across as if you are saying you have suffered more, and therefore they should not feel the way they do.

That being said, you can absolutely share your own experiences with mental health struggles. You can talk about what certain episodes felt like for you mentally and physically, and you can share things that helped you.

The important thing is to present these as suggestions, not as guaranteed solutions.

What helps one person may not help another. Everyone has to find what works for them, but sometimes hearing different ideas can give someone a starting point.

Writing

Keeping a journal and writing about your feelings or your day-to-day challenges can be extremely helpful. I highly recommend it.

In my own experience, especially during more difficult episodes, it can be very hard to understand where I am mentally or even identify what I am feeling.

Writing things down, even just getting the thoughts out of your head, can help you recognize patterns, understand yourself better, and figure out what you need in that moment.

It can also help challenge some of the negative thoughts depression creates.

Writing down those thoughts and then looking at them later can help you separate what you are feeling from what is actually true or realistic.

Meditation, tai chi, and similar practices

Suggesting meditation, tai chi, or even practices like yoga can be helpful.

However, these may be things a person needs to try later, after they begin feeling a little better. Depending on where someone is mentally and physically, they may not have the energy, focus, or ability to start these things right away.

But if they are already receiving treatment and beginning to improve, these can be good tools to explore.

They may not work for everyone, but they are worth trying.

Religion

I know we had religion on the list of things not to say, but this is where the difference is important.

For some people, religion can genuinely be helpful.

Prayer, community, routine, structure, and a sense of purpose can provide comfort and stability for some people.

However, it is important to know the person before suggesting it.

Many people who say, “Have you tried church?” or “You should find religion” are often offering a quick answer without taking the time to understand who they are speaking to.

In my own experience, I had already studied and explored several religions. I found some wonderful people along the way, but ultimately religion did not provide comfort for me. Eventually, I found that atheism was a better fit for my own understanding of the world.

That does not mean someone else cannot find comfort through religion.

The important thing here is to not assume that one answer universally works for everyone.

Get to know the person first. Understand where they are in life, what they believe, and what they have already tried.

If they have not explored religion and they are open to it, then it may be something worth considering.

It might help. It might not.

But the same is true for many things when it comes to depression. The goal is not finding one universal solution—it is helping someone find what works for them.