raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
After today I'm not gonna blame myself anymore for what I do.
It's my life that is poisoning me.
It's my life that is causing me to hate life its self.

Everything is just circumstances, everything is just situations that I can not control or change.
It is just a bad deal of the cards that were dealt to me.
I am not gonna try to pretend that it is anything else anymore.
Whatever happens, happens, this is it.

"Deja vu"

Sep. 8th, 2025 03:00 pm
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡


I borrowed the sun to shine on my face,
just an Illusion of love in its place.
I laughed with the moon,
I cried with the trees,
I wished on a star that I was not me.
Peace is an afterthought,
pain is the certainty.
I live in the aftermath of a world gone cold and empty.

Heart perhaps a rhythm,
I do not know,
It beats within me like a drum,
its cold like the snow.
I lay in my sorrow,
all its tomorrows are surely unknown.
Nothing is wrong so don't ask why,
but nothing is right either so I just say; fine.

I smile because it feels like a game,
I wonder what emotion this is today?
All my dreams are made of imaginary things,
all my hopes lay in bottles on a glass display.
Everything feels like a song I can't sing, or a movie without subtitles in its place.
I feel left out, yet I am running this loop, trying to cope with an infinity, a record on repeat, an endless deja vu.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
If every teardrop could say your name,
If every silence could tell of your grace, a mercy that eventually comes to everyone.
Something perfect just out of reach.

And I am only a fragment of the person I use to be.
Darkness follows me like the rain clouds, all its grayness stains my skin,
while the nightmares of the children stay within my mind.
No matter how far time moves, it seems to miss me.

I am an hourglass that no one sees.
But you don't live in time, you dance outside of it.
No one ever mispronounces your name and
absolutely everything knows it.

Everything that was, everything that will be, will come right back to you.
The endless eventual oblivion.
For every book has its ending, every song its last note.
And you to claim it; its days, its hours, its minutes done.

And this one awaiting your void.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
Pulling back the layers of myself,
I see only different shades of gray.
I can't seem to escape my pain; from a past that shouldn't define me.

If I'm better than I'm worse, if I'm worse than I am just what they said I would be.
But I am measured by what I have done, and I've been shaped by these scars, an outward outting of my identity.

It would be so simple to just give up or fall in line,
but this time I have chosen to be myself.
However much the pain, I will not plead or run away.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
Cut the blade
then bend the snake,
See if you can escape the hate.

Draw on walls
and mark the skin,
See if you can find the end.

Dark is day,
Bright is night,
But nothing will ever be alright.

And when you cry and wonder why;
look to the endless artificial sky.

"Dark"

Aug. 25th, 2025 11:26 pm
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
Dark my thoughts,
Dark my dreams,
Dark my pain that I cannot relieve.

Dark my hours,
Dark my days,
Dark this sickness,
for it is here to stay.

Dark my doing,
Dark my rest,
Dark my determination for eternal rest.

And when it is over,
I will protest;
that I get a do over for a life of unrest.
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
(I've also put this in my dream journal but here it is with the interpretation as well.)

👽👽👽

I was visiting a hospital room, and possibly visiting someone but the room was dark and empty.

I was so tired that I decided to lay down in the hospital bed.
Then I saw blue and green fluorescent butterflies that started flying around me and landing on my hands.

As I touch them they started multiplying, then Vines came out of the bed and started wrapping around me.

At first they were very small and I could easily break them,
but soon they got bigger and started attaching themselves to me piercing my organs and consuming my body.

I was merged into the bed.
Then two legs separate from my own came out and a head behind my own.
A beautiful woman said: She couldn't love anyone anymore, so she was going to eat humans until she was strong enough to return to her home planet.

Revealing that she was a Venus flytrap alien.
We became an amalgamation as we continued to merge.

I started losing my face to the vines that started covering everything only giving me limited sight.

At some point the dream bleeds into seeing the other aliens as they talk about either eating humans or possessing them as a kind of parasite to get strong enough to return to their own planet.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
From Dreamy Bot.
Thank you for sharing such a vivid and unsettling dream. This is a powerful one, layered with symbolism and hinting at some deeply felt anxieties and perhaps, a sense of being overwhelmed by something consuming your energy and identity.

The hospital room, initially dark and empty, immediately sets a tone of vulnerability and a sense of something missing or unwell. You seeking rest in the bed suggests a profound exhaustion – not just physical, but likely emotional and spiritual. It's as if you were already depleted before the dream even unfolded.

Then the butterflies arrive, a fascinating paradox. Butterflies, often representing transformation and beauty, are here rendered in *fluorescent* blue and green – colors that feel artificial, even slightly toxic.

Their initial gentle landing and subsequent multiplication speaks to a burgeoning feeling, perhaps a hope or a new interest, that quickly spirals out of control.

However, it’s the vines that truly take center stage, and this is where the dream gets particularly potent. Vines, in dream symbolism, frequently represent entanglement, restriction, and a loss of control. They begin small, easily dismissed, mirroring how insidious draining relationships or self-destructive patterns often start.

But their rapid growth and the violent imagery of piercing organs and consuming your body is a stark depiction of feeling utterly overtaken, suffocated by something that's leaching away your life force.

The merging with the bed is a chilling image of losing your boundaries, of becoming indistinguishable from the source of your pain.

The emergence of extra limbs and a second head speaks to a fracturing of identity, a feeling of being pulled apart and losing a sense of wholeness.

The Venus flytrap alien is a brilliantly disturbing figure. This isn’t simply a monster; it’s a being driven by a profound wound – an inability to love, leading to a parasitic need to consume others.

Her declaration of intent to “eat humans” until strong enough to return home isn’t just about literal consumption, but a metaphor for emotional vampirism, for being around people who drain your energy and leave you feeling empty.

The dream then expands to reveal a whole community of these aliens, hinting that this isn’t an isolated incident, but a systemic pattern in your life.

This could be a reflection of your experiences with toxic relationships, manipulative people, or even internal self-sabotaging behaviors.

The final image of losing your face, your very identity, to the vines is the culmination of this process – a complete erasure of self.

Overall, this dream feels like a warning. It's your subconscious screaming at you to recognize and address patterns of codependency, boundary violations, and emotional drain in your life.

It suggests a fear of losing yourself in relationships, of being consumed by the needs of others, and of being unable to protect your own energy and well-being.

It’s a call to reclaim your identity, to reinforce your boundaries, and to prioritize your own needs. It’s a tough message, but a crucial one.

Do you often find yourself putting others' needs before your own, even to your own detriment?
And have you noticed any patterns in your relationships where you feel consistently drained or used?




Check out
https://dreamybot.com/
To interpret your dreams.
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
My nightmares had me in a house of mirrors with crooked doors and twisted windows.
I spent the rest of my time just trying to escape it.

A fun house, a house of horrors,
a puzzle, a mystery.

I feel like a candle with no wick, it matters not,
sooner or later the fire will come and consume everything anyway.

A darkness too great to put into words, something that must not be named.
An unfathomable, unmentionable pain.

I feel like someone else is pulling these strings, a puppet or a pet, a toy or a play thing.
I feel like I am just here to be destroyed.
I feel like someone else is keeping track of my time,
yet I cannot find my hourglass.

Hidden eyes lay behind a vail,
looking upon me as the shadows overtake me in this hell.

Fearful of pain, yet I've lived through the greatest, what pain could death bring me now?

I feel like my head is under water, as though I was drowning but I am dry as the desert.

I feel like I am bleeding to death but there are no wounds upon me.

Now what sickness is this?
I feel like an abandoned experiment.

Now it is just bad omens and
black butterflies with a feeling of eternal dread.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
Summer freaking sucks!
It's too hot, too stinky, and too expensive to enjoy anything.

It's nothing but sunburns and heat waves.
I mean it's even too hot for the pool, the freaking POOL!!!

I don't know about anyone else but summer just depresses me more than any other time of the year.

I mean I love the indoors, AC rules!
I am a real homebody.
But when I need to go shopping, it's freaking hell!
Fine if you have a car, but damn if you have to walk or take the bus,
it becomes a real nightmare!

And there is nothing to do, everything cost more in the summer, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING goes up in the summer!

And who the heck wants to go to a free concert or outdoor event in 103 degree weather!!?
If the heat doesn't get you,
the bugs sure will.

The only good thing in summer is cold drinks and ice!

"Crowned"

Aug. 13th, 2025 03:55 pm
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
I am detached from me, a being separated from thee.

Thou has cast me into oblivion,
thou has thrown me into the sea.

My stations cannot be counted,
my scars lay unseen.

A darkness that surrounds me, but a death that I will never see.

I am the nightmares of tomorrow,
I am the dreams of today.
I am your love and your sorrow,
the pain that just won't go away.

When lovingness is borrowed,
and words are left unsaid.
I will be the tomorrow that is crowned upon your head.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡

"Release."

Aug. 12th, 2025 03:33 pm
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
Release me from my shadows,
Release me from my pain,
Release me from the darkness of seeing another day.

I only long for death now,
a release from the nightmares that plague me.

Deliver me from my demons,
Deliver me from myself,
Deliver me from my
sadness,
and end this living hell.

Allow me to fall asleep now, just allow me to go,
enter eternal sleep now,
true freedom from this shell.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)

⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
Swallowed down the depths of my soul,
like a sickness draining down my throat.
A jagged mirror and lump of coal,
a step too far as I grow old.
I cannot face that inner mirror,
the one that reads "You are not here."

My hourglass has no sand in it, just sunlight burning this candle at both ends.
And they say life is a gift, but death is a blessing.
As dark as it is, it is better to live well with a short amount of time,
then to live many years in misery.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡

Detachment

Aug. 10th, 2025 07:22 pm
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙

⫘⫘⫘⫘

It feels like I am standing outside of myself.
Like I am watching my own existence as an audience member watching a play or TV.

I feel so far removed sometimes that in those moments it feels like an nightmare.
I guess this sense of a lack of control, like I cannot change anything, or the channel.

I am just looking at the script, I am not the director.
It feels so absurd to me that I am in two places at once.

One where I am doing things,
and the other where I am just watching it.



◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
No eyes to be covered,
nor ears to be closed.
No hands to keep to one's self.
No dreams,
only nightmares.
A restless being,
a tattered soul like a flag of old,
he wears his scars like darken coal.

And this death will be his power,
while this pain will be his friend.
Words stand lavish painted upon his skin, decorated like christmas presents,
glorious in the end.

Anger is at the corners of his mouth,
for it is an agony of sins,
and an agony of sorrows.
A breath of fire for tomorrow,
a shot of mottos to begin; his journey into the borrowed moments of meaninglessness.

And there is nothing for today,
just a list for tomorrow.
All while wings sit on his head,
and horns laid there borrowed.
He is both a mighty beast and a loving angel, one can't be satisfied until they have seen the other.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

"Joy"

Aug. 6th, 2025 10:45 pm
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)


⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
I am astonished by the liveliness of the people, their joy shines.
How some can celebrate anything.
Yet I am unable to feel such joy.

I feel only a gratefulness for breathing, for a breath by a systematic system no less.
Everything by design, that I should feel grateful for it, because I am programmed to be so.

But outside of everything else,
there is an emptiness, a shell.
A void and not a space.
For an empty space says there was something there before it.
But a void is always a nothingness upon it.

And I stand in the middle,
between today and tomorrow,
Its love or its sorrow,
Its bitter or its borrowed.

A joy that can not be won, funded nor sold.
Never would there be such a loan.
It seems never given, yet somehow it is already own.

And I shall never know it, a glitter upon the soul.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

•••••
What am I lacking?
What necessity or element do I need?

I have so much already.
Surely more than most people I have come across.
Yet I feel depleted of something I have needed, but I am unsure of what that is.

Walking around in an artificial happy daze, or a sickening depressive craze.
Unable to discern what I have become or what I was.

And physical pain changes you, it wakes you up.
But no answers are given as to what I am living.
Like looking through a glass window, watching my life pass by like a commercial, something is always on sale.

I am a doll on a shelf.
Merchandise, commodity,
Collectors item, look and see.
And here lays an artificial thing in an artificial sleep.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
Circling around sleep like a dog that can't get comfortable.
Watching the pain cycle around like a record on repeat.
This is systematic suffering at its best.
Everything by design, nothingness for no reason.
One end of the string to the other, no hands of fate to tie it,
just my unwillingness to repair.
A broken red thread and an empty glass bottle,
a note that I read,
a sadness of tomorrow.

And I cannot choose between my dreams or my nightmares, for it all looks the same to me.
Just "Wishing for death" like a greeting card that I will never see.
Thorn in my side and a sword at my feet,
no apple of the eye, just a broken life.
An endless sea of longing for the things I will never be.
I wish in one hand but I will always want the other.
My words are secret letters to one another.

A soul split, a mind broken in two,
you never think there is another you untill you are shown it.
When the rivers run dry and the sky is golden, I will be glitter rain upon thy shoulders.
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡
raileus: Profile letter R with butterfly.. (Default)
⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡


♱♱♱

Feeling you reap me like a death I am owed because I can't stay awake to this world.
Should I choose to become blind?
How do I close up my mind?
Or stop the aching I find?
Putting on a play and watching it as an audience member.
Everything is just a TV screen.
There's no having you without the pain, there's no dreams without the sleep.

I can't say no to an infinity.
Just repeating my sickness,
a candle with no wick left,
I swallowed the only key.
Destroying my inner mirror, no good words are written here.
It is all over my skin; the fear that I mean nothing.
Everything I was is already dead,
I feel like I am watching the world come to an end.

Death went to a ball to dance,
it was a neverending party of regret,
I never left his eyes,
we were dancing all night.
He is the lock to the key I swallowed.
All my dreams of beautiful things are just the nightmares of tomorrow.
Life is wearing a mask of pain,
she is breaking into a million pieces again,
just wishing that I wouldn't fall asleep is all she ever pleated.

So sad that you can't feel the sadness anymore, so broken that you can't feel the break.
Just say that you are not an escape, only an ending, but all I hear you say is come to me.

You know what I want,
You know what I need,
Does this Death ever get lonely?
Why watch this clock wind down?
You are the painter, I will be the canvas.
You are the writer, I will be the words,
You are the rain, I will be the bow.
The greatest gift of the world is an ending to the sorrow of this earth.

Got an itch deep down in my soul,
Want to lose all physical control,
now I am the one inviting this pain.
Heart dancing to your rhythm as I step out of time and existence, and into an apocalypse.
I know you wish you could stop this,
But a sacrifice can't save another sacrifice.
A darkness can't light another darkness.
I can't say no to an infinity.
Just repeating my sickness,
a candle with no wick left.
I sewed what I sowed and
you will reap what you are owed.



⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡

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