The Book of the Dead.

Who is to know; that which is my own truth?
Who is to say; that which is within my own skin?
What could I give; that is greater than myself?
What part of me; holds weight greater than that of gold?
Who is to blame; if I don't measure up?
What if I am not everything that my dreamer dreamed that I would be?
What risk have I taken to reach myself?
How many more steps can I have?
How many more falls?
What will be the last word I hear?
What will be my last dream within this one?
What will be the last thought I have?
Will I be sad about it in the end?
When I am no longer me, and am weightless?

I finally get some good rest and my return to the waking world is met with a million thoughts running around in circles in my head.
It's seems like I always have a price to pay for anything I want or need.
I guess this is just another one.

So many ideas and creatively pushing It's way forward, and yet everything is moving so quickly that I can barely keep up with it.
I've been drawing a bit more lately and free drawing, things I use to do as a kid.
It's odd, it feels like everything is circling around again. Perhaps I will run into the things I missed the most, perhaps something missing me will find me first.

Welcome to the random room.
Here is a collection of random writings and what nots that I couldn't fit anywhere else. If I post anything new, I will put it at the top after WIW.

(Why I write. WIW.)
I write the words I wish I could read,
Unable to find the minds who have said it,
Or the words that I so longed to hear.
The ones that know of our sick systematic reality,
The ones who tells us to leave it.
All was dead,
All will die,
All will become death again.

5 22 25
So how's Life treating you?
I don't know what to say; everything so thoroughly sucks right now,
Life is PMS-ing.

4 26 25
Bottle up my sadness cause there's no pill that can sum up my despair,
There's nothing that can lift me up from my darkness. Sorrow's got a check, it's more than I have right now in the bank, I don't have anything, everything I do is a mistake.




Mar 31st 25 9:52pThere are two devils in this world;
The one man created,
and the one man becomes.

People never count scars, they count smiles, but we all know you can't take anything at face value.

People don't care about your problems, they only care if you become their problem.


If I was you I guess I wouldn't want to be my friend either, but even the devil has friends.

What's the point of forgiveness, if you still have to live with the pain and scars?

Feb 26 25 12:12pm
I am dead in my waking and alive in my dreams.

Feb 15 25 2:39pm
Sequester me from my thoughts,
from myself,
from my dreams,
from this hell.

Feb 7th and 8th 25 "The only one"
I am drowning in my own blood,
I am crushed by the weight of my own bones,
my name is removed from me.
My lover is death,
They sleep with me every night,
I beg them to stay,
But life wakes me every morning,
and I live without wonder or
taste.
There is no other;
then that which I have become.
A god with skin,
a soul sweet like chocolate,
a voice with no lies,
a child with no life,
And I am the thought and the sickness

Feb 2nd:25 5:32pm
I live in the small moments where I am detached from the body, and separated from the mind.
Small moments where I am not, where there isn't a self, all there is; is me this which is unseen, the energy

Jan 14th 25
I am a bird with no wings, I cannot grow them again,
and wishing cannot make it so.
I am this darkness and the darkness is me.

12 05 24 "canvas" 5:08pm
Paint upon your canvas the things that you wish to be. Upon life; Paint the colors and textures you wish to see.
It's ideas you create, and it's meaningfulness
you lay within it's board.

(Random set) 12 05 24
I am a boat with holes, all the duct tape in the world isn't gonna fix me.

I'm not hip,I just ended up in a square; it's called "not" thinking outside the box.

I'm not fearful of death, I don't care what happens, I just don't like pain.

I think music is it's own language.

If you're not drunk yet, then you haven't drunk enough.

There's no such thing as freedom, the only difference between us and them is; we can't see our bars.

You should worry about the things I don't tell you.

I've almost died five times in my life so far,
NDEs aren't warm and fuzzy, it's not what you think it is.

People who tell you that life is a gift, have never returned anything.

I wish christmas was more like my birthday; ignored and no lines in the store.

I wish I could say that I was always sober, but even when I am sober; I am on something.

Doctor's love giving you pills, they don't like being real.

If I was a tree, my life would make so much more sense.

I am not sad, I am just unhappy.

I'll stop (fill in the blank) tomorrow.

I love diets, it always reminds me of what I can't do.

if I say I like sex but don't have it, does that mean I am lying?

If there was something unforgivable, what do you think that would be?

What if the most unforgivable thing happened to me, what would be done?

What if I really wasn't human?

What if I become someone that I can't live with?

What will happen if I continue not sleeping well?

What if I wake up tomorrow and everything is gone?

What if I don't wake up?

What does it really mean to me to die?
Would I really finally be at peace?
Why do people say "Rest in peace"?
What happens if you don't?


I'm tired of thinking. It's silly to wonder such things that I won't get a answer to, or it won't matter anyways.

11 29 24 10:21pm "Forward to nothing"
Inhuman beast, an other thing, a monster perhaps, an object of no
meaning, it's use is nothing, it is only building blocks of nothing. pathways, roads and walkways forward to nothing.

11 29 24 4:15pm
I feel like a coupon that is expired, I feel like a voided check, I have no feeling one way or the other about today. It was just a day.

11 25 24
Bind the tiger's mouth but leave the crocodile, maybe you should think about who has more teeth.

11 22 24 12:18pm "Ugly is ugly"
Down in muddy water, there's a sky full of rain, and the trees are bending in, shut everything out, spinning out as I find another self to escape into.
Guess I'll be my own best friend again, more days alone, more empty days, more nothing but pretend.
Because ugly is ugly and life is shit.

11 12 24
Tell a man that he must live, and you're only prolonging his suffering.
Tell him that he has a purpose, and you give him a fairytale.
But give a man the rght to die, and you've given him his freedom.

11 11 24
(My wish)
Everytime I close my eyes I wish to never open them again.
To never again have this longing for more than this life could ever be.
To never again awaken to pain or hunger.
To never again feel anything in mind body or spirit.
To quite simply not exist.

11 1 24 (Rain into something)
If you water me oh rain, what would I grow to be?
But If you sit inside my heart too long, would this clock of mine not rust away?
And if I lose time, wouldn't it have been because I was drawn to death's song?
and onto it's beauty does my eyes lay, and onto it's stillness do I remain.

10 27 24 (Weighted)
Weighted mind and broken heart,
Words lay unwritten on pages.
A voice unable to convey the shock,
This thing that is me,
too Broken to be.
Losing nothing,
Gaining nothing,
Meaninglessness is tattooed to my existence.
Walking around trying to cope but nothing is nothing,
and there isn't anything that makes sense.

10 19 23 (Fake happiness)
I think people think I'm happy because I smile or when I don't complain. But it's when I get silent that things become concerning.
When I say nothing not even to myself, don't write or eat well, just start sleeping more. My silence is me giving up again, not caring about anything or anyone.
When it's "I don't care" that stays in my mind and everything else doesn't matter. When I feel like I just want to die with no reason or small justification as to why. When I am a warrior and I am surviving, yet it doesn't mean a damn thing to me. Why?

9 22 24 (Bound)
I am not bound by chains,
nor tied by rope.
Yet my soul is to this shell; weighted,
as much as I am of any self; glued to this mind.

9 4 24 (The Room)
My mind is like a room I am stuck in.
With it's walls closing in, everything gets smaller and smaller until I have to face it.
A little box of suffering that only I get to be in. No one can enter this room but me, no one can suffer it's darkness, or the complete emptiness.
It's sorrows paint the walls like blood,
It's pain like pictures,
It's words like a window looking out to a world I cannot understand.
My mind is a room, a cage, a box of forgotten things left in an attic.
And I it's bed,
and help it's door.

9 1 24 (Blackout)
I miss drinking till I would blackout.
The world looks better in a bottle,
in fact everything does.
I just couldn't think about anything when I was that drunk.
When you are so out of it that the walls seem to bend,
and every thought you had in your head just disappears.

8 18 24 (out of my skin)
I wish I could get out of my skin,
and somehow remove myself from my mind, be this humanless mindless thing, free from constriction, constraint and construction.

6 11 24 (The world's bed)
Cut my finger off,
Have the Scorpion sting,
These are the dreams from which I can escape.
Let the lightning come and the spider bite, there is no wrong, there is no right.
And as the Tarot is read, let it be said I did what I could for the world's bed.
Now you must lay In it, no hope of avoiding it.
What's done is done,
As the sun sets, so too will this son of noone.

6 11 24 (Repeat)
If everything repeats itself, I should hope that music does as well, let the written songs continue, perhaps one day the world will climb out of it's hell and someone will finally listen.
Change it's position from repeating itself, that everything finally ends, for if we don't learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them.

6 8 24 (unwound)
I am another thing,
An other thing,
A something unexplained,
A toy unwound,
A tool unused,
A treasure unfound.

5 23 24
There is a weight on my shoulders,
My heart is heavy, my eyes weak, my skin sore, my soul asleep.

5 16 24
My cup is empty
Can't fill it with life again
Just trying to pull these hands of time back
Can't relive the best moments of my life
But can't forget the nightmares

4 10 24
Why is it so hard to eat?
Why is it so hard to sleep?
Why is it so hard to be me?
It's like I can't live in my own skin
And the mask I wear I can no longer take.

4 4 24
The final hour.
What is this body but flesh to eat or rot,
Blood to drink or throw out,
Eyes to hate or love,
A soul to dame or relate to problems under this hellish sun.
Who can save us?
Who can dame us but ourselves?

3 12 24 what is reality?
How do we know that when we awake from sleep that we are alive?
What if our sleep is life itself and our awakeness a dream?
What is reality but something told to us by everyone else?
If life is a dream, then it is a nightmare for some of us, not filled with the same pleasantries as others, nor comfort.

3 5 24
There is nothing out here but the smell of garbage, piss, shit and death.
We live in a city of trash,
A place that doesn't care about us,
A place that puts it's citizens last.
We live in a country where the rich are rewarded and the poor are imprisoned.
Where freedom only runs as far as you agree with them.

2 24 24 (Bugs.)
Bugs why do you insist on finding my feet or finding me whenever I sleep?
Why do you insist on invading my space no matter the cleanness of it's state?
Why do you persist on biting my skin, making me itch and making me sick?
I just want to sleep in peace but there is always something bugging me.

1 28 24 (Was very high.)
I outstretched my arms in front of me
My hands push the fabric of reality
Everything distorts and disappears
I melt into the colors of space leaving this place falling into another just wanting to stay.

I'm Peeling my skin
Tearing at my soul
Picking at myself when there is nowhere to go
Nothing to leave but nothing to take
Nowhere to stay in this broken sick reality

(Float)
My thoughts are like tiny flowers beautiful but they die quickly, becoming this ugly left over thing.
I try to imagine happiness or at least contempment, but life only reminds me of it's cold harsh reality. I long for the void of no feeling, a place of nowhere and nothing. A natural ground of inbetween, a place of my destiny, of peace, a place of no humanity, a place of other things, a place where I am but energy floating around.

Paint my eyes open while my soul sleeps
Give this one good dreams to keep
And when everything is broken let the Angel come and
Take away the death and darkness in such a one
restore the inner child become the one before

I wish to be formless
shapeless and free
without gender,
identity, race or creed
Let me flow like water
energy moving positively
erase all the negatively

I say I'm good but I'm living in the ending where I'm living in the in between wishing for that phone call that saves me or the one that puts me to death.

Fill me up that there is no more spaces inside of me
No more empty holes
Nothing left

(Was very drunk, about all I remember of this.)
Level yourself cuz I see in the dark,
and my soul doesn't bleed.

It's like I am living a shadow of my self.and yet I still seek
the mistakes of such a creature but in a world that invites chaos.
I sleep and when I do everything stops as if it didn't exist to begin with or that everything else only exists when I do

(Gender)
Why should a man be defined by what is between his legs?
Or a woman, her breasts?
A man is only a man, if he controls his emotions and knows how to fight?
A woman is only a woman if she can have children and cook for the house?
Foolish are all who hold such ideas.