The Book of the Dead.

If I was dead and you were heaven, would I finally know where I am meant
to be?

If I was time and you were forever,
would I always be alone in this endless sea?

If I was a question and you were the answer, would I ever stop seeking you again?

But I am just me and you are a no where,
to a path that I'll never see again.

But I am just me and you are the impossibility,
to a time I will never find again.

This is the end.

もし私が死んであなたが天国だったら、私は自分がどこにいるべきかを最終的に知ることになるだろうか？

もし私が時間であなたが永遠だったら、
私はこの果てしない海の中でずっと一人ぼっちだろうか？

もし私が疑問であなたが答えだったら、私はまたあなたを探すのをやめるだろうか？

でも私はただの私で、あなたはどこにもいない、
二度と見ることのない道へ。

でも私はただの私で、あなたは不可能な存在、
二度と見つけることのない時間へ。

これが終わりだ。

I've been holding onto this tree for some time now, I'm hanging on it instead of it hanging me.

I've been slicing this bread of life, I've been cutting it just to get by, instead of it cutting me out of my time.

Nothing seems real, everything feels like it's already past the point of no return.

I need a reason to keep holding on,
I've gotten so tired, my hands can't seem to keep their grip, my mind is unable to comprehend where it is, my body doesn't stand in the same space that I do.

I stand detached from myself, from the world, I see nothing but a void, I feel nothing but myself disintegrating away.

I require something worth living for, worth fighting for, for I know that I will never be that for myself.
A justification for this pain, or an incentive to wake up to feel it again.

I long for a reason to not fall, or a motive to get up again, I need a purpose to remember, something that keeps me holding on.

Melting into the earth,
sliding into the spaces,
just waiting for death to take me.
Living in the in between,
Not a place for anyone to be really.

Just fighting in the gray,
while dreaming in the shadows,
life is but a fantasy of a better tomorrow.

Hope is what you say,
But faith is make believe.
I know we were nothing before,
and we will be nothing again.
Everything is pretend,
pain is the only reality,
and
suffering is the only unremitting constant.

Life just feels like quiet chaos on the
good days, and on the bad days it just feels absurd.
I am like this tiny marble just sliding down endless roadways and pathways of self discovery or self destruction.
I am like a paperclip on a paper airplane still trying to fly when I am too weigh down.

It's like someone ordered one of everything on a menu, and I am that order.
It's like I don't know myself and can't connect with life. I can't seem to find my own reason for being, or my tribe.
And when I do find something I enjoy or that brings a smile to my face, I somehow feel guilty for it, or worried that I will fall right back down again into the same bad habits or old routines that I am trying to get away from.

I can't enjoy enjoyment, smiling seems to come with a drop of poison and a serious case of fatigue.

And I know I can't control what others say or do, or what they don't say or don't do.
Still knowing that, I have trouble with the word "No" either them saying no for whatever reason, or me not putting my foot down,
and saying no when things get too overwhelming.

I also have a hard time accepting life on life's terms, I mean I know I am not the center of the universe, but I am not the invisible man either.

Still I am the one always being considerate of others or compromising, and I end up sacrificing myself little pieces at a time, until I don't know who I am anymore.
Always doing what makes sense to my corner of this world, instead of thinking of how I fit into that plan first.

But I never feel like I fit anywhere, I am just here. I feel like some odd object you find and throw in a junk drawer when you can't figure out what it goes to.

If hope is the belief in an outcome you wish for, then mine is that I die soon.
There is nothing more I want than for this suffering to end.

I am so very tired in mind, body, and energy.
I can't keep fighting for myself, being the only one in my corner, the one who always compromises, this one sided life, all the while trying to find ways to cope in all the no win situations.

I can't change my reactions, so I try to cope in the aftermath of them, and yet nothing I do matters in the end.
I am still sick, weak, tired and standing uneasy no matter how things are going; well or not, I am the one still hurting.

I need more help then I am getting, I need rest, I need a mind that isn't going to fight against me, I need a living situation that isn't going to trigger me.
I need joy, laughter and peace, things I am not going to find here.

I've lived in the darkness for so long, just going from room to room, four walls and a roof, I don't know how to live any other way.

I see I was too hopeful again going against myself, believing in others to help me.
When I know what my life will be, I have known since I was a child, that for whatever reason, I would never have the things that others do.

I will always live with things difficult, I will always struggle by default.
I live in agony everyday, just faking a smile and pretending that I am okay.
People help me like they always do, just more empty words and promises, while I am left undone and used.
I am left with my darkness in a dark room.

I just want to freefall into the depths of the darkest darkness that life seems so determined to send me to.

So let me embrace this hell then, the one you and everyone and everything else is so set on delivering to me.

It won't be any different than the suffering I had as a kid, I just somehow thought my life as an adult would be better than this.

But whatever, drop down, let's see where this ends.
Drop down, let's see what awaits me. Let's invite all my friends too, like loneliness, pain, emptiness and sorrow.
Make it one big party of hate and self harm, let's let the chips fall where they may.

I'm just a glass doll on the shelf.
What's the worst that could happen?
I break into a million pieces?
And somehow I would still be more that way than I am now.

I've lived to one end, let's see the other, let's drop down and see what happens.

If I fall, I fall, there is no one to hold me up.
If I fall, I fall, there is no one to pick me up.
If I break, I break, there is no one to cushion these falls.
If I crack, I crack, there is no one to glue me together again.

And all these pieces lay bare for you to see, and all my wishes lay bare so you will weep.
All my sorrows lay within the world's skin, and all it's anger is in my sin.

Take my pain,
rip me out,
take this soul,
tear it out.

Bend the skin,
pull it out,
all my life,
thrown about.

Blood for wishes,
death for a dream,
lay in the madness and wish you could scream.

Drop of my blood,
to your ears,
hear my wish,
freedom from tears.

Sleeping forever in a pine box,
Down in the darkness where there is no pain,sadness or thoughts.

Removing my skin,flesh and heart,
I am but bones laid upon the earth,
I am but sickness drawn to the dirt,
I am but truth dying for sure.